Friday, April 30, 2010

Cheesecake Mastery Part 3: Divide and Conquer

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Having barely recovered from the last bout a few weeks ago, I sensed a new war brewing on the horizon.

This time the enemy would prove to be a formidable opponent. Facing powerful magic from the gods, I had to employ a new strategy to overcome it. Brute force was not an option. Wits and cunning was the name of the game.

After having warmed up properly, the cheesecake arrived. It appeared fairly modest and unintimidating at first. Similar in size to my first opponent and lacking the whipped cream-carapace of my second opponent. Surely this would be an easy match for my carefully honed skills. Or so I foolishly thought...

Suddenly the goddess Athena appeared out of nowhere and cast a powerful magic spell on the wretched cake!




Upon taking the first bite I sensed that this was going to be no easy battle. The spell had imbibed the cheesecake with supernaturally satiating properties. But I fought bravely.



I did well for a time, but after two thirds of the cake I could no longer fit another piece in. This damned cake would win if I did not come up with a new plan.



I was ready to return home as a defeated and broken man when I suddenly heard a booming voice to my right. An owl-god had appeared and offered some sage advice.



"Divide and conquer"...Why hadn't I though of that before? Surely this was the right strategy to employ when facing a magically enhanced cheesecake. No mortal can consume such a creation in one sitting.

So I sealed the cheesecake in a box of the finest quality and brought it back to my haven.



And there I made quick work of it later in the evening.





That's cottage cheese and heavy whipped cream on top if anyone wonders.

I can already hear the purists among you protesting that this is not True Cheesecake Mastery. After all I used the divide and conquer-technique. I did not consume it in one sitting as I have done in the past. But ask yourselves this: can you fight fairly against the magic of the gods? I think not.


59 comments:

Blue said...

Awesome! So simple, yet so effective.

morbo said...

despite the fact that you had to resort to increasing frequency, rather than your usual abbreviated high intensity strategy, this is by far the best post in the series. Bravo!

Wilmar said...

i'm going to need to pick a fight with a cheesecake soon.

Keith said...

Martin,
Awesome but howoare you able to indulge again after doing so a few weeks earlier? Did this result in a massive surplus or did you work it into your calorie allotment for the day?

Anonymous said...

EOD cheesecaking? :D

Looking forward to reading a little bit about "damage control", Martin. ;)

RobC said...

Is thatSome kind of merengue on top?

Raodrunner said...

Martin-just how often do you do this?

Tan Yew Wei said...

You may have found a way to deceive the magic of Athena. But watch out Martin...her father, Zeus has witnessed your cunning, and is scheming to halt your best efforts when the cheesecake next crosses your path.

Face it Martin, we're all at the mercy of the gods!!!!!

JokersHigh said...

What is that layer on top?? Looks far more formidable than that "cream-carapace"!!

CapitalJ said...

Pure strategy rather than brute force this time. Excellent work Martin...

Schway said...

"If all those on Olympus would deny me my cheesecake, then all of Olympus will die."

If you swap out the word vengeance for cheesecake, the god of war games could totally be about confectionery. Athena was a bitch there too.

Anonymous said...

Haha classic stuff martin

Anonymous said...

Holy Glycation Batman! ;)

Martin,

I think it still counts as true mastery when it is devoured within the same day. In fact adding cottage cheese and heavy whipped cream instantly ups the style points and adds an extra layer of impressiveness to the feat.

And being able to avoid a temporary residence in the bathroom after that type of consumption is mastery unto itself.

I, for one, am duly impressed.

Josef Stumpel

Chino said...

When you come down Australia let me know. I have a friend who is in the bakery business and she makes me the damn heaviest vanilla cheesecake ever. I will challenge you to a duel!

Anonymous said...

good, but I do this everyweek with more than one.

cheers

Riles said...

Looks good!
What flavor was running through its veins?

Anonymous said...

I like these posts about your cheesecake battles...all that other fitness science mumbo jumbo is a waste of space. You'd do well to change the name of your blog to Cheesecakegains.com STAT!

Sterling Purdy said...

I think recipes are in order!

Seve' said...

Martin,

Why torture yourself by using that 'divide and conquer method?'

That feat only works with women!

Your foolish delight of having that second battle with the Goddess Cheesecake, I was pulling for your devouring defeat. Instead, another victim who turns to stone of their magical powers.

Btw, shame on you by adding cottage cheese on that backdoor battle of midnight hunger.

Next time, finish that "Cheesecake" like a real man!
Law of average says, you have to eat the whole 1+ 1/4 cake to be whole-man again!? LOL

Anna said...

Ok, so I'm reading this while I'm fasting and it makes me want a cheesecake...not really. I'm really more of a chocolate cake person but what's the point? Maybe, the more appropriate question is, is there a point?

gbloomer said...

A Cottage cheese side with cheesecake! Now that's hardcore. Your plate must of weighed a couple of kilos with that duo. Pure decadence.
And there's me drooling over a rice crispie square tonight after I'd ate all my daily quota of carbs.
When I finish my deficit phase I'm going to slaughter me one of them beasts and the Gods will weep for sure lol.
Another great post mate! Very funny.

Clement said...

Hi Martin, if you come on the site, I just want to let you know that I’ve been following your approach for the last year. it’s certainly easier to comply with the diet with big meals.

My question for you is: would the approach of eating the SAME amount of calories spread throughout the waking hours as when you’re on the IF approach yield the same results? Sometimes, I break my fast at 10am instead of my usual 12 noon but still spread my calories throughout the day so I’m still eating dinner at 7pm, as on the normal 12 noon days.

This has been a pressing problem for me for quite some time. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

Also, you mentioned in your blog that you might eat a post-workout meal amounting to 2000 calories. What is your resting metabolic rate? Just curious to know if that's over your maintenance level.

Raodrunner said...

Where do you get the cheesecake?

LayzieBone085 said...

Martin, you were not alone today brother. That is all :)

Anonymous said...

lol you crack me up man

Anonymous said...

Its called bulimia nervosa...Martin's secret "damage control". I've seen this.

Joe said...

Owl god was just a death's bed hallucination, in reality Martin's bloodied and beaten corpse is being displayed on another website entitled Al-Qaeka, as another victim of the dreaded suicide caking.

Anonymous said...

I bet "the book" we're waiting for is dedicated to the mastery of cheesecake...
do want.

Fredrik Gyllensten said...

Great, I wan't a cheesecake now ;)

Martin Berkhan said...

Keith,

'Awesome but howoare you able to indulge again after doing so a few weeks earlier? Did this result in a massive surplus or did you work it into your calorie allotment for the day?'

A massive surplus for sure. There's no way in hell I would attempt to retrain myself when such a magnificent treat is offered. But I have strategies for getting me back in acceptable shape after such gluttony.

Martin Berkhan said...

RobC,

'Is thatSome kind of merengue on top?'

I have no idea what the proper word for that devilish accessory is but you're probably right.

Raodrunner,

'Martin-just how often do you do this?'

As often as possible. I would say about every 6-8 weeks or so.

Schway,

'If you swap out the word vengeance for cheesecake, the god of war games could totally be about confectionery'

That is an excellent idea.

Martin Berkhan said...

Anon,

'I think it still counts as true mastery when it is devoured within the same day. In fact adding cottage cheese and heavy whipped cream instantly ups the style points and adds an extra layer of impressiveness to the feat.'

Exactly. Great minds think alike.

Chino,

'When you come down Australia let me know. I have a friend who is in the bakery business and she makes me the damn heaviest vanilla cheesecake ever. I will challenge you to a duel!'

I'm booking my flight right now.

Riles,

'What flavor was running through its veins?'

Cherry and awesomeness.

Martin Berkhan said...

Anon,

'You'd do well to change the name of your blog to Cheesecakegains.com STAT!'

Thanks, I shall consider it.

Seve,

You're speaking like a true purist, but don't forget that this cheesecake was magically enhanced. Had that bitch Athena not imbibed the cake with her foul magic I would have eaten it in one sitting. You know that.

Anna,

'Maybe, the more appropriate question is, is there a point?'

I canoot think of a better "point" than to eat cheesecake. Can you? I don't think so.

Martin Berkhan said...

Clement,

'This has been a pressing problem for me for quite some time. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!'

You worry about a bunch of nonsense. And if this has been a "pressing problem" for you, my advice would be to book a visit to a psychiatrist asap.

RobC said...

Merengue is beaten egg whites and sugar, baked hard on the outside but chewy inside. It looks awesome and I'm totally jealous.

Raodrunner said...

"But I have strategies for getting me back in acceptable shape after such gluttony."

Hmmm, curious about this? Post gluttony regurgitation due to illness? Ketogenic diet? Will save such secrets for the book?

Anonymous said...

I see, are you going to do a post about your "tricks" soon?

Martin Berkhan said...

Might post about it some day, but if you're expecting something super high-tech and cutting edge you'll be mighty disappointed.

pete@crossfit Bath said...

Hi Martin. Would it be possible to set up an email consultation with regard to an I.F mass gain routine? Sorry but I couldn't find another way to contact you except through this thread! My email is pete_stables@yahoo.co.uk

W said...

I agree with Sterling... We should have a recipe.

Martin Berkhan said...

For the 147th time, I can't share that recipe.

J-BoY said...

Man that's some craaazy shit there dude! :D

It would be really fun to know how many kcals, protein and stuff it is in that monster-cheesecake!

Anonymous said...

Hey Martin,

I'm a big fan. This is a bit off topic from cheesecake, but I was just wondering what you thought about isometric holds for training (first saw it here: http://paleoinvancouver.blogspot.com)

Have you ever used it for your training?

Best wishes,
Jason

Martin Berkhan said...

Nope.

Clement said...

'You worry about a bunch of nonsense. And if this has been a "pressing problem" for you, my advice would be to book a visit to a psychiatrist asap.'

I'm sorry you think about my query that way. What I merely meant was that I have trouble fitting my feeding window into the 8h timeframe and was trying to ask if optimal hormonal and physiological results from fasting could be hindered if I wasn't fasting for 16h but sometimes only 12h but still kept calories low. So it's not a problem per se, but a question. I just wanted to get some facts from an expert I respect and hold in high esteem and whose methods I've been following for a year now, as I have limited knowledge on the subject. I'm gutted that you've chosen to reply to me in this way. Imagine how you'd feel if a teacher you respect snapped at you in this manner when you asked a question. I was under the impression you would have been more willing to share your expertise.

Martin Berkhan said...

Do you want me to quantify the difference in health markers and hormones when comparing equicaloric diets consumed in 12 vs 8 hrs? Because it can't be done. There are no "facts" and it's impossible to say how and if your results will be affected.

Clement said...

Thank you for your reply. I was trying to understand fasting a bit more. I was hurt when you made it seem like I had a psychological disorder. Someone close to me is afflicted with it and I'm trying to help them, so it is a touchy subject. I apologise if I came across as being rude. I was taken aback by the hostility of your comment. Congratulations on conquering the cheesecake and for that article on rusty moore's site.

Seve' said...

Sometimes jumpping in with eyes closed, if you trust the source, is best way to get the 'feel' of it,IMHO.

Just a novice(maybe not even)weight trainer of HIT, and I was getting some results. However, since doing IF, and along with diet-plan from what I read here, worked awesome.

You can read about that delicious fuzzy peach and all of it's delight, but until one decides to take a bite of that peach and experience that orgasmic taste, you just never know.

Just try it!

IF enthusiast said...

How come Tom Venuto never talks about Cheesecake Mastery?

Seriously Martin, thank you for demonstrating that the occasional very high calorie day need not derail anyone's fitness program.

Anonymous said...

I lol'd at the owl god. Great stuff.

Anonymous said...

i don't understand how you can eat cottage cheese with it. did you enhanced it with something(the cottage cheese)? otherwise it leaves me in q's....

Martin Berkhan said...

Sweet and sour combines and makes for an orgasmic taste experience. It's great with cottage cheese. Not that strange seeing that cottage cheese is one of the main ingredients in the cake.

Anonymous said...

What's up with that Gucci box?

Jon Fernandes said...

Tyler Durden would be proud.

Mathilda said...

A bold move, master. I see you have reached new levels. *Bowing*
/Mathilda

Kevin said...

I think a good cheesecake needs a really good crust..

Some of these online fitness experts would claim that doing this kind of stuff once in a while results in a "metabolic shock" or "restoration of leptin," whereas when I eat cheesecake, I eat it for pure pleasure...am I on the right track? lol


Also, how DO You recover from a 7000-10,000 calorie surplus? For me, I could probably lose the 2 pounds I'd gain in about 2 weeks doing your method or two 24 hour fasts...then I'd continue losing till I get to my desired body fat level. (I've lost 10 lbs doing IF man..amazing.) Do you do anything else? Pull up intervals with your friends hanging onto your legs? LOL

Zac said...

I just had one simple question... When and WHY do you demolish an entire cheesecake? Is it a holiday thing? A reward after a long cutting phase? Cheat meal? I'm just curious.. :P

Steffen said...

Hey Martin,

I'm from Germany and I'm very impressed by your homepage. IF is brilliant. In Germany almost everyone still thinks it is necessary to eat 6 or even 8 times a day to gain muscles... I've started IF just 8 weeks ago (my coach told me about IF and I read a lot of your articles) and I've already made some proceedings haha Thank you!
Your article about the cheesecake is funny. Just a short question (to you and everybody else): Have you already released the article about the days after the cheesecake mastery? What is your plan during the days after the mastery? Well it would be possible to loose the surplus after a while but if there was a way to get rid of it faster than normal, I really would love to know how to do it.

Regards and cheers
Steffen

Anonymous said...

za gods 0, Martin "God of IF" Berkhan 1




My name is Martin Berkhan and I work as a nutritional consultant, magazine writer and personal trainer.

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